LESSONS from WIDOWHOOD
My husband Tony died quite suddenly three years ago at the age of 69. One day at our house in Cornwall I kissed him goodbye before going for a walk with a girlfriend. When I came back, he was dead on the bathroom floor. 
My initial feeling was one of blankness. Maybe in these moments of shock, nature has a way of protecting you from the reality of the loss. In any case, initially the immediate necessity of dealing with the logistics took over. Only slowly, over the weeks that came, did it dawn on me that I was now a widow.
Perhaps this was made worse by the fact that I’d had a very good marriage with a very good man that had lasted for 46 years. Not only had he been the breadwinner in the traditional way, but he had also dealt with all the paperwork that must be done, whilst I had played my agreed role as wife and mother. Now, even with the support of my four children, I was alone and entirely at sea.
Realising that I had to find inspiration and strength, I hit on the idea of asking other widows, whenever I met them, to give me a couple of tips each about how best to cope with my new status. A few dozen tips later, I thought it was time to put all this material into some sort of order, and when a writer friend came round to type everything up, I realised that I had the makings of a book that might even help other widows.
Since nowadays it is harder than ever to find a publisher, I decided to self-publish, and before I knew it I was, in a very small way, both author and businesswoman. Hoping to recoup my costs, and also determined to have a bit of fun, I held an extravagant launch party, which in fact paid unexpected dividends, involving, among other things, three radio interviews and some wonderful reviews.
Tips From Widows is just what the title suggests – a series of tips and bits of practical advice from other widows about how to cope. Some tips might seem obvious; for example, the advice that no matter how low you feel, you should try to get out and about as much as possible. Some are less obvious – one widow was adamant that unless it is fi nancially unavoidable, you should not sell your home in the first year of widowhood, because you will almost certainly regret it later.
Other tips are purely practical, but nevertheless essential. For example, if you have any warning of your husband’s imminent death, it is absolutely vital to make sure that you have a joint bank account. If, as often happens, all the bills go through an account held in the husband’s name only, that account and all assets in it will be frozen by law until probate is completed. This might well take six months or more, during which time the widow will have to fend for herself, often borrowing from friends, and it is surprising how many widows find themselves caught in this trap.
There are humorous moments too, as when one woman reported that after she became a widow, one of her grandchildren said, ‘Granny, are you a weirdo now?’
The book also touches, briefly, on the question of the afterlife; and at this stage I should say that I did indeed contact my dead husband through a reputable medium, who told me that Tony had known that he wasn’t well one week before he died, but had not wanted to bother me; and that he was now at peace.
Clockwise from top left: Tony, a year before he died; Jan and Tony; Their honeymoon was spent in Majorca
Various very specific details of the encounter with the medium left me in no doubt whatsoever that I had been in contact with my late husband, and I left the session tearful but happy.
The reaction to this little self-help manual, published in pocket format, was overwhelming and took me entirely by surprise, with the website that a friend had hurriedly put together in time for the launch party receiving many thousands of hits, day after day. Clearly, the issue of widowhood had hit a nerve, and the countless letters that I have received have reinforced my impression that so many widows need to know that others are sharing their experience. Furthermore, many women who are still part of a couple have told me that various financial tips in the book have served as a wake-up call.
So what, then, is the status of a widow nowadays: are we invisible? Is it a situation that is in some ways unmentionable? It is certainly the case that many widows, especially after the age of 50, find that their new status is horribly lonely, and that whereas they had enjoyed a full social life while married, the invitations come to an abrupt halt once they are widowed. In this particular respect, I have been very lucky and I have a good group of friends, both married and unmarried, who frequently ask me out.
I am also aware that I am very lucky indeed that my husband left me financially comfortable. There is no doubt that a woman who has to face widowhood and poverty at the same time is in the most horrible position. I have heard, for example, of one widow who, through lack of funds, was obliged to move in with her divorced daughter.
While we are on the topic of divorce, there are many similarities between the status of widow and that of divorcee. Is it, I wonder, even more difficult to be a divorcee than a widow? After all, when you are widowed you can expect sympathy; whereas a newly-divorced woman often experiences outright rejection.
What, for me, have been the most difficult things about widowhood? Many people have told me that I have been brave, especially in putting together this little book. I disagree. Bravery is about doing something you are afraid of, and Tips From Widows has, for me, been a welcome adventure and diversion. Any bravery I can summon up is for other things.
As a young woman I used to jump out of aeroplanes, which didn’t bother me in the slightest. Now that my husband Tony has gone, however, the things that really frighten me and that I have to summon up all my courage to deal with, might seem rather banal. The fact that I am now solely responsible for every decision still frightens me, and even after three years, my anxiety over things like tax returns has not decreased. I also find modern technology very daunting and horrible to deal with on my own. If there is any conclusion that I draw from my experience as a widow, and also from the insights gained while putting this book together, it is that there are no easy catch-all solutions to widowhood.
Yet there are quite a few surprises. I never would have guessed, for example, that now that my Tony has gone, it is precisely some of his most infuriating habits that I miss the most…
Tips From Widows is available at www.tipsfromwidows.co.uk priced £10, including p&p (in the UK).
My initial feeling was one of blankness. Maybe in these moments of shock, nature has a way of protecting you from the reality of the loss. In any case, initially the immediate necessity of dealing with the logistics took over. Only slowly, over the weeks that came, did it dawn on me that I was now a widow.
Perhaps this was made worse by the fact that I’d had a very good marriage with a very good man that had lasted for 46 years. Not only had he been the breadwinner in the traditional way, but he had also dealt with all the paperwork that must be done, whilst I had played my agreed role as wife and mother. Now, even with the support of my four children, I was alone and entirely at sea.
Realising that I had to find inspiration and strength, I hit on the idea of asking other widows, whenever I met them, to give me a couple of tips each about how best to cope with my new status. A few dozen tips later, I thought it was time to put all this material into some sort of order, and when a writer friend came round to type everything up, I realised that I had the makings of a book that might even help other widows.
Since nowadays it is harder than ever to find a publisher, I decided to self-publish, and before I knew it I was, in a very small way, both author and businesswoman. Hoping to recoup my costs, and also determined to have a bit of fun, I held an extravagant launch party, which in fact paid unexpected dividends, involving, among other things, three radio interviews and some wonderful reviews.
Tips From Widows is just what the title suggests – a series of tips and bits of practical advice from other widows about how to cope. Some tips might seem obvious; for example, the advice that no matter how low you feel, you should try to get out and about as much as possible. Some are less obvious – one widow was adamant that unless it is fi nancially unavoidable, you should not sell your home in the first year of widowhood, because you will almost certainly regret it later.
Other tips are purely practical, but nevertheless essential. For example, if you have any warning of your husband’s imminent death, it is absolutely vital to make sure that you have a joint bank account. If, as often happens, all the bills go through an account held in the husband’s name only, that account and all assets in it will be frozen by law until probate is completed. This might well take six months or more, during which time the widow will have to fend for herself, often borrowing from friends, and it is surprising how many widows find themselves caught in this trap.
There are humorous moments too, as when one woman reported that after she became a widow, one of her grandchildren said, ‘Granny, are you a weirdo now?’
The book also touches, briefly, on the question of the afterlife; and at this stage I should say that I did indeed contact my dead husband through a reputable medium, who told me that Tony had known that he wasn’t well one week before he died, but had not wanted to bother me; and that he was now at peace.
Clockwise from top left: Tony, a year before he died; Jan and Tony; Their honeymoon was spent in MajorcaVarious very specific details of the encounter with the medium left me in no doubt whatsoever that I had been in contact with my late husband, and I left the session tearful but happy.
The reaction to this little self-help manual, published in pocket format, was overwhelming and took me entirely by surprise, with the website that a friend had hurriedly put together in time for the launch party receiving many thousands of hits, day after day. Clearly, the issue of widowhood had hit a nerve, and the countless letters that I have received have reinforced my impression that so many widows need to know that others are sharing their experience. Furthermore, many women who are still part of a couple have told me that various financial tips in the book have served as a wake-up call.
So what, then, is the status of a widow nowadays: are we invisible? Is it a situation that is in some ways unmentionable? It is certainly the case that many widows, especially after the age of 50, find that their new status is horribly lonely, and that whereas they had enjoyed a full social life while married, the invitations come to an abrupt halt once they are widowed. In this particular respect, I have been very lucky and I have a good group of friends, both married and unmarried, who frequently ask me out.
I am also aware that I am very lucky indeed that my husband left me financially comfortable. There is no doubt that a woman who has to face widowhood and poverty at the same time is in the most horrible position. I have heard, for example, of one widow who, through lack of funds, was obliged to move in with her divorced daughter.
While we are on the topic of divorce, there are many similarities between the status of widow and that of divorcee. Is it, I wonder, even more difficult to be a divorcee than a widow? After all, when you are widowed you can expect sympathy; whereas a newly-divorced woman often experiences outright rejection.
What, for me, have been the most difficult things about widowhood? Many people have told me that I have been brave, especially in putting together this little book. I disagree. Bravery is about doing something you are afraid of, and Tips From Widows has, for me, been a welcome adventure and diversion. Any bravery I can summon up is for other things.
As a young woman I used to jump out of aeroplanes, which didn’t bother me in the slightest. Now that my husband Tony has gone, however, the things that really frighten me and that I have to summon up all my courage to deal with, might seem rather banal. The fact that I am now solely responsible for every decision still frightens me, and even after three years, my anxiety over things like tax returns has not decreased. I also find modern technology very daunting and horrible to deal with on my own. If there is any conclusion that I draw from my experience as a widow, and also from the insights gained while putting this book together, it is that there are no easy catch-all solutions to widowhood.
Yet there are quite a few surprises. I never would have guessed, for example, that now that my Tony has gone, it is precisely some of his most infuriating habits that I miss the most…
Tips From Widows is available at www.tipsfromwidows.co.uk priced £10, including p&p (in the UK).