Dear Patricia Marie,
My dear friend found out a few months ago that she has terminal cancer. In just a few short months she has changed from a vibrant, feisty woman into a quiet, constantly complaining one, who stresses over everything. She seems fine when the Macmillan nurses come to see her, but returns to a miserable state once they leave.
I visit her each day, and she spends the whole time telling me how hard her life is, and how unfair it is that she has cancer. She nags her husband and barks out orders to him. She shows no interest in what is happening in my life at all. I try to entertain her with stories, offer to play cards with her, share a jigsaw puzzle, wash and blow dry her hair, but she flatly refuses any of my suggestions.
I don’t know what to do. I feel I have to push myself to see her, and that makes me feel very sad as we used to be so very close, in saying this, I still very much want to be there for her. Please help.
Patricia Marie says...
When the threat of severe illness affects a loved one, it isn't always easy for family or friends to know how to deal with the situation. It is perfectly understandable that you are finding it hard to talk to your friend about her feelings and concerns, but if you can allow her to speak about what's making her angry, expressing her emotions may help her to feel better understood and reduce the stress she is suffering. It could be she is feeling frustrated, anxious and hopeless, causing her to be irritable. She could resent you speaking about a way of life she may no longer have. For now, let your friend lead the conversation, and in time hopefully she will be better able to share your news.
A cancer diagnosis can cause doubts and uncertainty, and the future could seem suddenly dark and unpredictable, which can be very frightening and may cause your friend to feel she has lost control of her life. Empower her. Encourage her to decide what she thinks would make her situation more bearable. Perhaps you could both work together on accomplishing even the smallest realistic goals that could have a huge positive impact on the way she feels.
It is also important for you to receive some help at this time. Do call the Macmillan Support Line, as their dedicated team are there to advise on ways to care for those suffering from cancer. Their knowledge and experience will give you a greater understanding of this brutal disease, and enable you to be more empathic of your friend's emotions.
You may have to accept that your friend is unable to be as she was, but the most valuable thing you can do for her now is simply be there for her and no matter how low her mood, continue to be the devoted friend you clearly are. Do remember, caring for someone with cancer is a strain, but it can be intensely rewarding and make one feel proud of finding the strength, courage and kindness to help a sufferer going through possibly the toughest battle of their life. Through your compassion you will experience the true value of what's important in life - both love and life itself.
Macmillan Cancer Support: 0808 808 0000 or macmillan.org.uk
Patricia Marie, our Agony Aunt, wants to hear your problems, dilemmas, and quarrels. Just email them to patricia.marie@lady.co.uk
